Τετάρτη, 31 Οκτωβρίου 2012

The life cycle of a woman


13 to 16 is the worst age for a female. She's too old to be innocent, too young to be a real woman, too naive to be worth it, too selfish to appreciate anything (especially sex) and she looks/smells disgusting. Avoid this menstruating freakshow.

17 to 22 is a definite improvement. The female body has balanced out its craziness, the female brain is taking a long-term break until graduation and you find yourself in a world of feelings, which is good for experimentation. Tight bodies, lack of foul smells and manipulable psyches seal the deal.

23 to 29 is a mixed bag. You either jump on the 'hot independent woman' wagon or live long enough to see yourself become an insecure dipshit. Your body doesn't get any better than this. (What I mean is your 30's will be full of anxiety for the state of your fat ass. Start preparing.)

30 to menopause: Shit gets real. You're still a beautiful snowflake, ,but a not-so-unique one anymore. Your soul is long lost, devoured by your kids. You're a whore for the big capitalist machine and your hectic life contradicts your secret 'lazy princess' mindset. You want to quit everything (but can't), so there'll be hell to pay. You spend your 40's confused and suppressed, but there's still a fight left in your cute, neurotic, passionate, evil heart.

Menopause to death: You are the background noise in the lives that really matter. You are not a woman anymore, you have become a saint. You can torture your kids by a) making their own kids prefer YOU to their parents and b) by leaving everyone a legacy of debt. Haha

Death to rebirth: You are now dead. The best years of your life are ahead of you.

0 to 13: Ah, the finest years. Innocence. Wonder. Adventure (sometimes in the form of child slavery)! Now let's get controversial. Sex, as you all know, is all about beauty and energy. Kids are the best-looking people on Earth at any given time and they are highly energetic. It's an irony of life that not only kids aren't able to have sex with themselves, but that pedophiles are ugly and get tired easily. But I digress. Kids are immature, self-destructive psychopaths just like robots and Tyler Durden. Thus, kids rule.

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